Falling in love with me

My, that was a provocative title, wasn’t it? It could have been moreso but then it would not have actually fit the post itself and that’s just no good.

Words of affirmation take me far. I already know that about me. I have this remarkable ability to take it in, digest it well and let the nutrients which lie therein sink into my pores just well enough to nourish the soul and then I have this other remarkable ability to inject poison into the same vein right after.

I wonder what that is…a feeble attempt at humility? A return to an old recorded message that tells me that there is no line between being confident and being egotistical? A misread verse which proclaims that I need to make sure I do not think too highly of myself? I dunno. I just realize here in the midst of my midlife crisis that external soul food only satisfies for a short time and then I’m left with the me I see every day in the mirror.

Remember that feeling of falling in love? Maybe you are fortunate enough to be there right now with someone. The fluttery feeling in the pit of your stomach. The lightheadedness that comes when they speak something rare and beautiful. The anticipation of seeing them somewhere. The agony of waiting for whatever is next. Remember that? I want that. I want that with me, though. I’m not sure I’ve ever fallen in love with me. I’m not sure that is sanctioned but I feel certain that there must be a place for it.

I believe that all things have this connectedness. What we feel in the body we feel in the spirit. What we experience in the spirit shows in our body. I just think this is true. This feeling of falling in love, perhaps science would tell us that it’s just a biological mechanism that gets us to procreate and not kill our partners straight after but since I believe in a benevolent and magnificent Creator God I must differ there.

I think this falling in love feeling has more to it and I think it fits not JUST with life partners but also with our selves and in turn with our magnificent Creator God. I just think that must be true.

I admit, there are holes in my theory. I’m not a scientist or a theologian or even as big a brained person as many of my friends but there are things I know without knowing…understand without understanding…and this is one of them.

I’m not sure where all of this leads but today I am left with the word, “discovery.” It’s a place to begin this process of falling in love and perhaps a good place to end this post today. Each time we discover something about another person or in this case, ourselves, something which pulls us in…which feeds us…which tethers us tenderly then we start the process of falling in love. So, that is the thought I’ll leave you with today. Take a moment to see what you can discover. I’ll do the same.

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9 thoughts on “Falling in love with me

  1. I think it’s very difficult to love and forgive other people unless we can do the same for ourselves. I was lucky enough to be shown a great deal of kindness and forgiveness by one of my Bosses. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so comfortable with themselves even though I know he went through his own private hell, starting with a major nervous break down, to get there.

    Different things happen to different people to cause it but I guess a lot of the time it’s being challenged. If you do manage to stand by what you believe in just the once, you suddenly realise you can, that you’re not so bad but also that it’s not so easy. Mmm… not putting this very well am I? It’s so hard to explain though.

    All I do know is that know I am more forgiving of myself – note forgiving, NOT indulgent, I still strive to be a better person than I am – I am more relaxed, more at ease, kinder, more compassionate and generally more amenable and understanding of others. A far wiser and more pleasant person to have around, in other words.

    I’ll never love myself but I like me and I believe I’m ok. I’m flawed and I stuff up but I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do.

    So if you can feel the love, you go for it. I hope the mid-lifer isn’t proving too grim and that you will achieve a bit of calm at the end.

    Peace.

    BC

  2. This brought me to tears. As I enter a period of finding out more about myself, I find myself falling out of love with myself over and over. I find myself hating the bits of myself that hold me back from … becoming the best version of me that I long to be.

    But at the same time I am being loved so well by others. It’s hard to see what they see, so maybe I should try a little harder and give myself a bit of a break.

    Thanks for this.

  3. Anne Lamott has a great passage about this in “Traveling Mercies” in which she talks about her thighs. She’s always hated her thighs and it just got worse as she got older so she decides one day to chuck all the baggage and learn to love her thighs. She talks about treating them like “beloved old aunties” and puts lotion on them and talks sweetly to them. I kind of dig that idea. LOL.

  4. We all fall out love with ourselves and get lost somewhere in the shuffle. You have to find that beauty from within, sometimes is just flickering there, but it always there. Again Mrs. thanks for another great post.

  5. There’s a little-known gem of a film from 1998 called “Playing By Heart” — It’s got everybody from Gillian Anderson to Dennis Quaid, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Philippe, Anthony Edwards, Madeleine Stowe, Ellen Burstyn, and Sean Connery. Seriously… The cast is amazing. Well, in the film, Ellen Burstyn and Sean Connery’s characters have been married for decades, and somehow an affair that he had had years ago is brought up. Burstyn’s character asks something to the effect of, “How could you do it? Wasn’t I enough?” And he answers with something to the effect of, “Remember how you feel when you’re just falling in love with someone? How you feel about that person, sure… But also, how you feel about yourself? In a way, you fall in love with yourself, because of how that person makes you feel.” He continued, “Well, my affair had nothing to do with how I felt about you — I’ve always loved you — It had to do with how I felt about myself. And those feelings from the affair made me feel better about myself, at least for a while.”

    Again — very loose paraphrase, there. But it’s a great scene in the film, and I think rings true to what you’re saying here. Self-love IS biblical. “Love your neighbor AS yourself.” It’s not “Love your neighbor MORE than yourself.” Which would means the converse is also true: “Love yourself as your neighbor.”

    Other people annoy me sometimes, but I still love them. Can I grant myself the same grace? The rest of my thoughts will continue in my thoroughly off-line journal. 😉

  6. It’s amazing to me that you wrote this post, and less than 24 hours later, you were selfless enough to encourage me not once, but twice, in the painful place that I was dwelling. Such gracious, generous kindness pours out of you. To be flippant, as Wayne and Garth say, “I’m not worthy,” but to be serious, I am thankful for that gift of affirmation that YOU give so freely. Thank you. And I really “get” this post, for what that’s worth. (Must mean you’re a good communicator or like, insightful or something… hmm…)

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