I was talking with a friend recently about some things going on in our lives and we were both struck by how a season of “good” in our lives can suddenly turn bad.
When this happens I know that I think to myself things like, “well, were things REALLY good or was that just me wanting them to be good?” which only leads to worse thoughts and feelings all of which are the worst kind of speculation and mistrust….they are lies.
They are lies I made up in my head to negate the good. I guess I could argue in a bad moment that my perception of “the good” is something I make up in my head as well but frankly in both instances I could see the ripples out from my words and my actions. I could SEE the lives around me touched and moved and enriched when the good comes just as I can SEE lives around me touched and moved and poisoned when the bad comes.
In this case I could probably name the “bad” more properly, “the realities of life.” Honestly. Things are just not always that well defined now that I look at it in a better light.
All this to say that I said something to the effect of “maybe this is us poisoning the well so to speak” and that rang out in both of us. What is it that I DO or SAY in moments of good that brings that to a close, that ushers the good out the door? The next question, after I figure out what I do is to then ask myself, “why?”
Why would I poison my own source of life?
Like anyone else I have my reasons…all of them are lies…all of them are worthless. “I’m not deserving of a good life” “Good doesn’t last, why entertain that notion?” “The other shoe is waiting to drop.”
that sort of thing…
What I am thankful for today as I write this rather, erm, dire blog entry is the simple fact that I’ve placed myself inside a community of good. I’m thankful that I have a group of people who see me broken and ugly and are willing to embrace me in it. When I feel least lovable, when I feel least worthy I am welcomed. This is the antidote to the poison. These are the people who speak truth to me.
That’s priceless, it truly is.