why write

Be prepared that I’m really tired and not above rambling here….

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m this moody enneagram 4 or because I’m just remarkably insecure and self centered at the same time. (I’m talented that way) I keep running up against this thing about my writing.
why write?

When I was younger I used to say that I wrote songs because I HAD to write them…because they EXISTED and they demanded to be heard. I suppose part of me thinks this is still true. (Yes, in fact, I do actually personify pretty much everything. Sometimes it even annoys me but mostly I think it’s endearing so that’s how we’ll roll.)

I was thinking the other day about the persistent nagging doubt that eats away at me as it concerns my songwriting in particular.

“Why I keep writing songs? Why do I need to do that?”

I guess most of us get to this point in life, why do something that has no monetary component..is it a hobby? like basketweaving or crocheting? what? I dunno.

Following on the heels of that, weirdly enough comes the second thing that bugs me.
“Is this any good?”
Or more specifically what I hear in my head is this:
“Does this song suck?”

After spinning out there for a little while I can meander around for, well, quite a while actually on the finer points of the why, the when, the how, the how much…ack. Crazy Making. I think that is the actual psychiatric medical term for this.

{insert deep breathing here}
wait
remember
here it is…

I keep coming back to this same thing in the end…it’s the only answer that even while not conveying ANY logical sense it does bring some heart sense to me.

In the end it’s just got to be about making something beautiful and putting it out there. It IS enough to create it and put it out there, whether it’s got a capitalistic bent or not.
It IS enough.

Which of course is complicated by the fact that I’m not independently wealthy so while it’s enough to create more beauty for the world I also have to eat…and feed and clothe my kids…yes?
There’s a balance to it…that’s the work, there. And so the tension is there too…that’s where I just feel like I need to press through and keep doing what I’m doing to whatever end it brings.

Sometimes we just don’t get to know the why. We just have to do it and be in it and let it become what it will be.

Sometimes it’s just got to be enough to do it.
yes?

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