uphill…

I feel as though all my life I’ve been trying to “get organized” or “get it together” and frankly I had this startling vision of myself at 80 just as unorganized and wacky as I am today and I felt weirdly OK with that. The old woman I see in the future though is content with who she is rather than aiming toward being someone she can never be.

That’s a comforting thought.

What is interesting is this. I actually don’t mind the struggle right now. I doubt, too, that I’ll ever stop TRYING to be more organized. It’s hard to explain but I’ll give it a shot.

I have this idea that when I’m old one of the best parts of sitting around and talking will be my kids telling the stories of all the organizer racks I purchased, all the talks that started with, “Ok, so from NOW ON…here’s how we’re doing it” and all the calendars and print outs and sticker charts that sat woefully on the bulletin board looking lonely.

As much as I’d love to bask in the contentment of who I am, warts and all, right now…I think that part of my charm (ahem) IS the fact that I struggle with it. I do like myself. I do like how laid back I am and honestly, if I didn’t have children I’d probably not struggle with it…but since I DO have people I am responsible for, I guess I’m also content with the struggle.

Maybe the key is to just be in the struggle, to know it at sight and to chip away at it knowing it as a Sisyphisian task rather than try to pretend that:

a)I’ll get the rock to the top of the hill and then I’ll be someone else thus ending that struggle
or
b)I’ll leave the freakin’ rock at the bottom of the hill.

The truth is that we’re all rolling a rock up the hill every day til we die. We just all have different names for it. One day, maybe I’ll rename my rock something besides “need to be more organized” but I’ll roll it up anyway, calling it something new and feeling it just as familiar in weight.

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3 thoughts on “uphill…

  1. That’s why I’m perfectly content to push my current rock, even if it slips a bit. My hope is, after getting this rock to the top, I’ll have built up enough muscle to handle the next one and it won’t feel– dare I say?– heavier.

  2. I’m pretty content with my gravel pit of life. I have come to the realization I will never be organized completely, some parts of my life are, others aren’t and in the end it doesn’t mean much. I would rather be disorganized and spend the time with my family than I would cleaning out the closet. Life is too darn short and sometimes you have to be content with the boulder, rock or pebble you push around every day.

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