bitter pills…

About 15 years ago a friend of mine had a “chocolate” party. She went to a lot of trouble to gather different kinds of chocolate and did research on them and arranged it all beautifully for a gathering of friends. Sadly, I was not able to go that night. I love me some chocolate and I love me some Kerry so it was hard to miss it.

When I asked how it was a week later she said that only a couple of people had come. She was expecting maybe 20 and got perhaps 4. I was devastated and felt awful for her but she stopped me in my tracks there. “It was fine, Ang, we had a BLAST! It was the right mix of people and we had some great treats and even better conversation.”

I was so envious of her attitude. I wished I was that self secure.

My biggest fear has always been throwing a party and having no one come. I don’t read it as “I have busy friends,” I read it as “I’m not important enough to get people to come to a party I throw.” It’s terribly narcissistic, I admit. It’s my own personal brand of neurotic and truly, I’m not proud of it.

I don’t know what made me think about that chocolate party this morning in the shower except that I miss my friend Kerry and I’ve always admired her tenacity. It made me realize though just how far I have to go yet in this whole struggle toward wholeness and that’s a bitter pill to swallow, even if the pill will eventually help me to be healed.

There I go again using my blog as therapy.

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