I am my toaster…

I am my toaster.I am, really.

I purchased this just before Christmas at Sears, it was on sale. An odd woman who looked slightly like my Aunt Yvonne rang me up. She tried most heartily to get me to purchase the warranty but I declined. She sort of futzed around for a few minutes and I realized she had no idea how to take it off my bill.

Normally I’d have taken it, in the name of convenience as Miles quietly tore the displays apart nearest us but this day I felt some resolve to keep my bottom line low and waited patiently for her to take off the charge.

She worked hard to figure it out, her over-dyed dark beehive hair shaking furiously as she pressed one button after another. “How you wanna do this, honey?” she said eventually, peering over the tops of her bifocals. It took me a moment to understand she was asking for my credit card.

“Oh!” I responded and forked over my battered Visa. We made it out of there just in time, the jewelry display near the cash register was, I’m certain, audibly sighing with relief at the demolition boy’s exit.

I got the toaster home, so proud. What a find, what a triumph, me over the system that wants me to spend more money, all the time. Yes!

The maiden voyage, however showed the toaster to be troubled. I kept thinking it’d get it’s act together by some fairy magic in the night but morning after morning it half toasted or fully toasted one side or burned or just generally made a mess of the bread we so carefully entrusted to it.

“This toaster is so inconsistent” remarked Dave.

“Well,” sez I, looking on the bright side, “at least it’s consistent in it’s inconsistency.” And this is where I connect with that brave little toaster. I, myself have finally come to embrace my own inconsistency, to be comfortable in the knowledge that if i NEVER get “better” at all the things I do at least I am always trying. I am my toaster, it’s doing it’s best and so am I.

Return it, you say? I dunno…I kind of like the inconsistency in a weird way. I like the adventure of never knowing what my little toaster has to offer that day….well, plus that I’m too lazy to return it. In the end, probably the real reason is that I just don’t care that much about toast.


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