I received word this morning that an estranged friend has passed away.
I am astounded at how profoundly this affects me. He was a close friend of Dave’s for a long time and a friend to me as well for a period of time. He was a troubled man, a person who found life as tragedy more than blessing. He was angry when I knew him and rebellious. He was difficult to love and yet we did love him as we were able.
One day he just disappeared from our lives. He just left. We had an idea of where he had gone but there was no word from him. We often wondered aloud if he was still alive. It seemed that just as we would wonder that we’d get a call or email or letter or friend request on myspace or facebook. We’d have a bit of contact and then, he was gone again. Unreachable.
I suppose that is how I remember our friend. Unreachable…or maybe, it is more accurate to say, “out of our reach.” As we moved closer he would always move just outside of our reach. It is impossible to embrace someone who is out of our reach. We were never really able to embrace him. I suppose that is where I find the greatest sadness.
It is in fact tragic for the world to lose another of it’s citizens. I believe it is always tragic, this loss. The loss of my friend has no physical effect on my daily life, this is just the reality of things. I will not have an everyday loss of Chris. I have what feels like a deeper loss…the loss of the maybe, the could be, the not yet.
My prayer is that what finds him now is peace. I pray that he is released from the pain and torment he carried like a torch, like a flashing neon sign. I pray that he is now able to be embraced, fully, by the love that eluded him for so long in this life.
I pray that we all are able to feel that embrace, to allow that embrace, to stop moving just out of reach…