margin…

Dave spent the night a couple of weeks ago in the ER. He suffered from a bout of vertigo and by the time he landed in Nashville and met up with us for dinner he was feeling some chest pains so we took him in. Thankfully, he is fine and there was no need for another apart from the scope to make sure there were no blockages in his heart. We both spoke the cause ourselves just after that…stress.

Stress is fear, you know. It just is. We resolved once again to move this big black cloud of fear somehow…knowing that it’s hard to will clouds to move, especially big black clouds. We can plug in all our fans and blow as hard as we can but moving that cloud feels nearly impossible at best.

We can ignore the cloud, that’s a possibility. Lord knows enough people do this every day. It goes against us though, not to fight. So we shake our fists at the cloud and curse it daily, even as it advances.

This trip to the ER really set us back. It occurred to me today that our packed out weekend dissolved. All the things on my docket were treasured things, I’ve spilled a lot of grief about missing the cancelled meetings and appointments, reunions with old friends, support of my godddaughter, time with my family…and then there is the matter of having to call upon people to “help” me. I HATE asking for help. It is so very difficult for me to ask. Meh.

How thankful I am that I have people to call, people to help. How I wish that I was more able to reach out in times of need, to not feel so disparaged by my own need.

It hit me on all kinds of levels, this unexpected weekend…and I realized, we have no “margin.” We have such packed and precarious lives over here that even a day of emotional and physical crazy outside of our prescribed and regular amount of crazy completely sets us off. We have no idea how to recover, which makes that black cloud advance faster and leads us to fill up our margin even more to stave off it’s arrival on our doorstep.

The question now we’re asking is NOT ‘how do we let go of the stress’ but rather, how do we increase the margin so that the stress doesn’t become our constant focal point. If we keep our focus small for a while, located squarely on how we walk and talk, how we parent, how we friend, how we love those people who are already close, those people who drop their own plans to afford us some comfort, maybe that is what bring us margin.

Stress, fear, doubt…these are constant in the world…love has to grow in equal measure and it must be nurtured and attended. This is where we want to build our margin. This is where we must begin.

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2 thoughts on “margin…

  1. wow. just, wow.

    i, too, have difficulty asking for help. because my parents (and the community) has so much trouble with my sisters emotionally, i want to be that problem-less, independent child (and friend).

    Lord, i pray you help mrsmetaphor and co. daily, and be with her daily. amen.

  2. I know how this feels. I hate asking for help myself and feel that I am being weak when I do, but sometimes it is better to feel weaker than stronger and dealing with the stress that stronger brings.

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