I had all these really good thoughts today as I was driving. Some of them were so profound and dare I say, lifechanging, at least on some level that I wanted to make sure to write them down and share them with you.
Trouble is, it’s illegal and perhaps impossible to write them down while I’m driving.
So here I sit a number of hours later thinking, “THAT was such an awesome thought today, I have to write about that…” immediately followed by “what the hell was it again?”
I’m appalled at how bad my memory has gotten. I used to have a mind like a steel trap. I could remember conversations verbatim I’d had with people years earlier. I could tell my husband where he left his car keys any day of the week. I could quote things I’d read and probably even tell you where I’d read it.
I blame parenting. Then again, I blame most of my shortcomings on parenting. I did not have a bad temper before I became a parent (or perhaps I did and it simply never had reason to surface.) Don’t even get me started on body issues I’ve developed since birthing 4 babies. Listen, people, I had buns of steel before I became a parent (meaning I literally had the videotape series “Buns of Steel” with Tamilee Webb. She’s spunky.)
My friend Christine has a theory about my lack of ability to remember ANYTHING for more than a moment or two and my blaming it on being a parent. Her thought is that we don’t remember as well what people say to us because a)we’re scattered already as parents and b)we leave “listening” mode as soon as what someone says to us triggers something on our radar.
That made me think of this Buddhist concept of “quiet mind” and I felt immediately sad for all the noise in my head, all the ends of conversations lost, all the moments when I was not fully present. I was thinking about my lack of “self care” and how tired I am at the end of each day, not even fully satisfied that I’d performed my task of child rearing with any success apart from the fact that all 4 remain alive and mostly intact…
At least I think that was her theory…it’s all kind of a blur to me now.