stood up

For whatever reason today I’m thinking about being stood up…not just in the “date” sense of the word but overall…me showing up and the other party NOT showing up.

I guess I do know the reason.  It’s because I forgot to call my regular monday sitter until at the very last moment to remind her that I’m out of town this week so there was no need for her to come.

I imagined her showing up and finding no one home.  I started to think about what that would have felt like to her. Luckily, I got ‘hold of her so that did not happen but it took me down a rabbit trail of remembrance for each time I showed up and the other party was not home or I got the date wrong or wires were crossed….and I found myself unintentionally alone.  

To put it bluntly this feeling, this let down…it sucks.  It’s a deep empty that echos loud when I drop the pebble down. It falls and falls and seems to lead to no end.  Even as I remember the last time it happened to me I am seized with panic and embarrassment. It feels awful to be stood up because I think, for me, it means perhaps that I am not as valuable as I had hoped.  I’m taken down a notch and usually at a time when I can least afford to lose the footing.

just something rattling around in my head today…taking it as it comes these days.